Fun Stuff

Casey Stoner delivered a stirring win and a stern rebuke to his critics when he romped to his third straight Australian Motorcycle Grand Prix victory.The 24-year-old Ducati wizard held off world champion Valentino Rossi, who hounded him throughout the race, to cross the line 1.9 seconds ahead of the Italian with Honda's Dani Pedrosa a distant third.Stoner continued his remarkable comeback from a mystery illness which prompted a 10-week break from the series. He returned two weeks ago in Portugal and finished second to the surprise of his rivals.  But Sunday's victory, where he led virtually from the drop of the flag, was one of his sweetest under the circumstances.Throughout his layoff the Australian had had to put up with rumours he was retiring, was sick of racing, was in dispute with his team - but he produced the perfect answer today.  "At the start of the season we were competitive enough to fight for the championship but by the time we got halfway through we were just collecting points, we weren't fighting for anything," Stoner said."That's why we decided to take that decision to take time off - and this is the result of it.  I think without taking that time off we wouldn't be anywhere near the podium step today, things would have been too difficult for me and, physically, definitely I wouldn't have been able to last the race.  It's just been fantastic to come back and get a second in Portugal and (have) almost enough pace to win it and here have the pace to win ... I can't ask for more.  We definitely made the right decision to take that time off and find our way."Stoner said he remained wary after his weakening illness, waiting for his "arms to start buckling" every time he went under brakes "but it just never came".  "I was definitely a little bit more exhausted in Portugal - of course the weather was a little hotter and we hadn't done any physical training," he said."We've done a little bit this last week just to get myself back up there a little bit and there were no problems through the race."  In fact, Stoner said he could have stepped up the pace and was able to pull away from Rossi every time the Yamaha rider closed.  "I thought the track conditions were good enough to go a little bit faster than what we were," Stoner said."We were struggling with rear-end grip - I think everybody was to a certain point - but that's something we struggle with in general with our bike at the moment.  "We tried to go every which way with our settings ... but we just can't get grip out of the corners at most of the circuits we go to.  When we solve that I think things will come along a lot better and it will work a lot more smoothly."Stoner's win was his third this year, after victories in the season-opener in Qatar and in Italy, and it moved him to third place in the world championship, despite missing three rounds.It was also his 19th MotoGP victory, moving him one spot ahead of Australia's first world champion, Wayne Gardner.

Amid the fanfare, loud noise and fast speeds at Mount Panorama this October there is a fair chance that a milestone or two will be reached, by any of the competing teams and drivers.

Two men stranded on an island free a genie from a lamp and are granted one wish each

English comedian Jasper Carrott had a hilarious stand-up routine in the 1980s in which he simply read out real accident insurance claims. Examples were: "Leaving for work I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was five minutes early; I bumped into a lamp post which was obscured by human beings; Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven't got." He also did an equally funny routine using genuine Australian insurance claims such as: "The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him; The bloke was all over the road I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him; and I told the police I was not injured but on removing my hat I found I had a fractured skull." All, of course, read in a bad Aussie accent. So Carsguide enlisted the help of national car insurance company Budget Direct to find out if motorists were still as funny as they were 20 years ago. The answer is a resounding yes, judging by some of the claims the company unearthed. Budget Direct communications officer Richelle Ward said they didn't know what to expect when they started searching for funny claims, but were delighted by what they found. "Insurance can be a serious business, but this just shows the lighter side of things," she said. "It's interesting to see how many involve animals and children." She said insurance claims ranged from "timeless classics" to "left field" and simply bizarre. "Some of the `timeless classic' excuses we get on our claim forms include drivers who sneeze and lose control of their vehicle, rats and mice eating through the electrics, and enthusiastic children who help mum and dad wash the car - with sandpaper," she said. Some of the following genuine insurance claims from Budget Direct are direct quotes from the form and others are in the words of the insurance assessor: 1. "I was driving along in the right lane. I wound down the window, because I was smoking. It was a windy day and a gust of wind came in through the car. It took hold of the steering wheel and I lost control of the car and collided with a car that was travelling beside me in the left lane." 2. The client admitted being distracted as he was perving on a girl walking on the street (apparently she was blonde, and he likes blondes). 3. A client heard a noise and even though she had purchased a new vehicle (picked it up brand new from a dealership two days prior) she slammed on the brakes thinking there was something wrong with her car, because her old car would make noises and then conk out. 4. "I was driving along and did not notice a give way sign and collided with the sign. I did not lose control I just did not see the sign." 5. "I was reversing out from under my house and forgot the hatch was up, the spoiler was then knocked off when it hit the floor of the house." 6. "I have locked my keys in my car with my baby in the car, I was unable to get into the car so called 00. The fire brigade used an axe to break the window to get into the car, however at one point they missed the window and put a hole in the door." 7. "I came home and parked outside my house, I went inside my home, when I looked out of my window two cows were jumping on the car." 8. "The car was parked at work and a dog was off its lead and chased after a kangaroo and the kangaroo collided with the side of my car." 9. Client said that he found cows in his yard that were jumping up on the vehicle. He said cows left "presents" all over his vehicle as well. He claims they walked some distance to get into his yard. Photos are pretty funny too. 10. "I went into our garage to find my three-year-old pretending to wash our car with sand paper causing damage." 11. "I parked my car at the shops and came back to my car and found damage on the driver's door. My aerial had been bent over pointing to a note that said `ha ha'." 12. Client parked vehicle outside his friend's home in country Tasmania and when he was about to leave he found two goats on top of the car eating apples from a tree. 13. Client called to report vehicle was stolen outside the doctor's surgery. Client had called her son to come and pick her up and as he drove around the corner they found the vehicle parked on the street. Client had entered the surgery through one door and exited by a different door. 14. Police called and advised they had recovered one of our insured vehicles. The car was being transported across the country and had fallen off the back of the vehicle transporter and was found sitting in the middle of the road hundreds of kilometres from anywhere. 15. Client collided with another vehicle while doing a u-turn. Client claims GPS told her to do it as the GPS said it was safe to make the turn. We leave you with a final claim from an Australian as read by Carrott: "I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel."

Man washes his car and gets a rather un expectant surprise.

A man is driving home from work to see his wife but when he gets there he gets a shock and decides to seek revenge

‘Bloody Kingswood’ is about to return to the Australian lexicon thanks to Paul Hogan's new movie. Charlie & Boots hits the big screen on September 3 with Hogan starring alongside Kenny actor Shane Jacobson as father and son. However, the real star of the film is the iconic Holden Kingswood. The story is about Charlie McFarland (Hogan), a man in his late 60s who has suffered a devastating loss, and his youngest son, "Boots" (Jacobson). Boots decides to cheer up his grieving father by taking him on a fishing trip _ nearly 5000km away at Cape York in a 30-odd-year-old Kingswood. The road movie takes in beautiful locations and landscapes as well as young, beautiful hitchhiker, Jess, played by Morgan Griffin. But the sheer beauty of Australia's landscapes and young women are no match for the beauty of the old Kingswood. Steve Lack, action vehicle co-ordinator for the film, had the job of finding three Kingswoods and modifying them. "Not the Premier; it had to be the standard Kingswood," he said. "I found three that we could use and made them all look exactly the same in colour and interior. They were all automatic and basically all we did was modify one from a T bar shift to a column shift." One was used for wide shots, another for "drive-up" shots and the third was used on a "low loader" trailer. "The low loader car is all for the dialogue and the close-up stuff so the boys don't have to worry about steering and missing obstacles while they're acting," Lack said. "We took out the engine, diff, suspension; the whole idea of that was to get the vehicle as close to the ground as is normal ride height. We hung cameras all over it and it looked like the real deal." Lack said the Kingswood was a big hit with Jacobson who is a car fan and spent much of his down time during filming playing car racing games on his Playstation in his van. "Shane just keeps falling in love with it. It takes him back to his roots as a petrol head." Jacobson has competed in several tarmac rallies and was so smitten by the Kingswood, he bought one of the cars when filming was finished. "He would have done some of the driving stunts too but we couldn't get the insurance," Lack said. "As far as driving goes, the boys weren't really happy with the car in 40-degree heat. "The low leader car had a household airconditioning unit under the bonnet to cool the actors, but we couldn't get aircon into the others because of a lack of time and budget." Lack said the cars went through a few stunts, but the biggest was called the ‘pig stunt’. "The boys are driving down the road and there is a woman jogger coming toward them and they eyeball her and she looks back and calls out `pig'," he said. "They think he's having a go at them but when they turn around there is a big pig right in the middle of the road, so they swerve and go through the bush and come back on the road through a group of letterboxes one of which is decorated as a pig." He said the stunt was coordinated by Danny Baldwin from Queensland and used stunt driver Clint Dodd. "Shane did the bit through the letterboxes, though." Lack said working with Hogan, Jacobson and the Kingswood was "a hoot". "It was a lot of hard work but I probably would have done it for free."   ‘Not the bloody Kingswood’ has become part of Australian culture as the reply when someone asks to borrow something you hold dear. The line comes from the Australian sitcom Kingswood Country which screened from 1980 to 1984 on the Seven Network and featured Ross Higgins as a bigoted buffoon who loved his Holden Kingswood. Higgins didn't want anyone borrowing his car and would usually reply "You're not taking the bloody Kingswood" followed by an idiotic excuse such as "I've just glad-wrapped the aerial", "I've just polished the number-plate" or "I've just ducoed the tyres". The Kingswood succeeded the HR and was produced from 1968 to 1984 as a sedan, ute, panel van and station wagon. In those years it was produced as HT, HK, HG, HQ, HJ, HX, HZ and WB models. A 1968 HT Kingswood cost $2326. They were also exported to New Zealand, South Africa, and Asia, where many became taxis and are still in use.

Now I can't live without them. For hundreds of kilometres you follow them. You can't see the road for the dust, but you can see the little flashing orange light that sits on the back of every Bash car. They look like the lights you get on the top of road-workers trucks but they are life-savers. Often you can't see the road; You're just hoping the car with the dust light in front of you hasn't run off it into a tree. You trust their every twist and turn, following the light.It's day six of the Bash and we're battered and sunburned but intact. For almost a week we've been racing through the most beautiful country central Australia has to offer. Red ochre, saltbush scrub that has gradually given way to desert proper, and dust, dust, dust. The Bash tracks vary enormously; Sometimes, though very rarely, it's the bitumen highway. Often it's the dreadfully corrugated tracks that criss cross this country. Occasionally, it's deep, sandy or rocky creek crossings that you have to crawl through. Matilda, our 1951 International truck, loves this country. She's in her element at 40-60mph on dirt tracks. Any faster on the bitumen and she complains. Any slower through the rough stuff and the 2.5 tonnes or metal and wood in her isn't happy either.Day three wasn't the best. The travelling bush mechanies had to completely rebuild, with welders, angle grinders and chisels, a new mount for the rear leaf springs, which gave way during a particularly rough stretch. Oh, and there was also the front shocker that detached and smashed the distributor cap (could have been far worse). The distributor is still held together with gaffer tape. But apart from those minor setbacks, she's in fine form. Back in the bush after 10 years couped up in garages and museums.Yesterday, her crew, the Border Control boys, won the award for the best performance of the day. Basically, it involved scamming real dollers (as compared to the fake Bash Bucks used as currency on the SA leg of the national Bash) from Victorian Bashers who accidentally came through our checkpoint on the SA/NT border. Spyder Everett and Wilbur Wilde (check spelling, sorry) were particularly generous. It's a great win for Matilda and her crew. We're still hoping to do well in the running for the best "virgin" (first time) crew.This is a fantastic event. You travel through stunning country very few people get to see - running on dirt tracks through private property and Aboriginal land. And the camraderie between the Bashers is amazing. Most are in it to have fun and raise some great dollars for charity. But if anything happens on the road, you are overwhelmed with kindness. It's not a race, so cars will spend hours helping others less fortunate. At night, it's gather in the mess hall or around a campfire for beers and war stories.Two more days, and it's on to Alice Springs, where all the state-based Bashes converge. 

The good news is we're not the first car to break down. The poor Mr Whippy entry didn't make it past Gepps Cross, barely 20km from the start line on Adelaide's northern outskirts.Dunno how serious it is as we raced past at, oh, 60km/h, but there was a wheel off, two mechanics' cars and a lot of worried faces. There was talk on the UHF of a transmission gone outside Spalding (look it up on Google Maps).It was a great sight this morning as the 91 cars in the 2009 SA Variety Club Bash lined up in the CBD for the start. The work that's gone into the vehicles is extraordinary. All pre-1974 but many completely rebuilt, some with throbbing V8s. Fire engines, ambulances, utes, cars with dunnies on the back, cars with Nemo on the roof. And everyone dressed in costumes. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Shrek, doctors, Scotsmen, suicide bombers, fairies, brides and "the only gay in the village".And then there's Matilda. Second oldest car in the fleet and, as everyone reminds us, the only "woody". Poor girl hasn't had a proper run for years and, after just two hours on the road, heading north into the South Australian midlands, she's got a beautiful hum.She sits on a comfortable 60mph (no km on this odo), the cobwebs are being blown out and I reckon (here comes the hex) she'll be fine.Matilda's done more than one million kms, most of them on dirt. Michael, our intrepid crew leader, has pretty much had the important parts rebuilt - engine, front end, shockers. She's as heavy as a bastard to steer (the triceps really feel it in the cities) and the brakes take some getting used to (she's got the stopping distance of a fully laden fuel tanker) but, after a little bit of time behind the wheel, you're in sync.Despite the fun and mayhem of the Bash - which, basically, is about cheating and bribing your way to the podium - no one forgets what the event is all about, which is raising money for kids.Just about every car had freebies for the kids who came out at dawn this morning to see the fleet away. And some of the fundraising efforts by the crews are awe-inspiring.A bunch of unassuming guys, dressed as Kenny from the movie of the same name (and with an extraordinary V8 under the hood) have raised $163,000 for this bash alone. Pales our little $17,000, which we are still so proud of.Gotta love the Kenny boys, though; They just slowed down to allow us to overtake them, giving Matilda the distinction of actually passing someone.It's on to Arkaroola tonight, in the northern Flinders Ranges. Beautiful country. Then into the deeper outback before crossing the NT border and swinging into Alice Springs, hopefully intact, in seven days.Stay tuned for more updates. And go to adelaidenow to follow the adventures... 

So when the controversial host announced he had prepared his own spoof ad for the launch of the new Volkswagon Scirocco, the BBC prepared for the worst.