Five things I hate about traffic

1. We are appalling drivers and we have slid into the apathy that believes we are appalling drivers. Do we complain but do nothing except create quasi-government departments to spend taxpayers money on telling us not to drink and drive and not to speed. And that we're appalling drivers. That's the education. There has been some changes, for the better, by getting parents to train their offspring before they officially get their driver's licence. The parents know zip because they came from the old system of receiving no training, hence pass on all the bad stuff to their kids. And we simply can't believe we have road fatalities. Talk about naive!

2. P-plate Hyundai Excels in the freeway's fast lane: Perth may be unlike any other city in the world because it turns a blind eye to slow drivers in the overtaking lane. The result is a moving block of traffic clogged for three lanes. If you attempt to sound your horn or flash your lights to prompt the slow driver to move out of the fast lane, it's called road rage and you will be arrested. Go figure.

3. Driving lights: Illuminate these and you cop (in WA) a $150 fine and the loss of three demerit points. Driving, or fog, lights are fitted under the front bumper and point to sweep the ground ahead of the car. They are indispensable for illuminating the curb, identifying hazards and help in fog when high beam is useless. Getting caught with these lit is an easy revenue raiser for the government. The simple fix is to make the Australian Design Rules state that fog lights must have a low-watt globe. But then the government misses out on extra revenue. The ADR committee are the same people who allow space-save spare tyres.

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4. Roundabouts: Can we have the proper way to enter and exit a roundabout in black and white. Put it in the newspapers, put it on billboards or hire a small plane to tow a message across the sky. Everybody treats roundabouts differently because no-one is taught correctly. More road rage.

5. Traffic lights: Most sophisticated countries have synchronised traffic lights to allow traffic to flow. Australian cities, generally, do not. Without traffic flow, we consume more fuel, emit more pollution, incur more engine/transmission damage, boil more tempers and take far too much time to get from A to B. Australia devised and manufactures brilliant cochlear hearing devices; has some of the world's best surgeons that'll re-attach any part of your body that has suddenly gone astray; excels in physics; is rich in biological discoveries; but can't figure out how to make a sequential traffic light system for peak-hour traffic. Then again, train station PA systems are still inaudible decades after being devised.

FIVE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT ... TRAFFIC: (please don't think this is easy)

1. Getting places. Yes, that wide ribbon of bitumen — the surface of which is only visible in early weekend mornings — is practically infinite. It'll take you places you've always wanted to go and always via places you never want to visit again. It's a bore when packed with other vehicles but when free of traffic becomes a seductive path to adventure. If you feel like a bit of a drive, Highway 1 — officially, National Route 1 — runs rings around this country for more than 24,000km to make it one of the world's longest national highways. Take the drive and you're guaranteed of not being alone — more than one million people are using it every day.

2. People watching. Stop-start traffic is the perfect opportunity to see a woman driver morph over 5km from a wet-haired, clean-faced kid into a Jennifer Hawkins clone. Trade mobile phone numbers with her, have a laugh and a chat though open windows, then wake up. Otherwise, roadside breakdowns are always worth slowing down from 100km/h to 30km/h to have a good look.

3. Music. Unlike a seat on the packed train, you can listen to your own music, in your own time and sing along at full voice in your car. Doesn't matter if there's a 10km traffic queue, within your cabin with the windows up few will hear you decimate "Eye of the Tiger" or "Sex on Fire". Ensure you are alone when considering this.

4. Work time. You don't want to break the law but hands-free telephones make it a snap to ring mother — you haven't spoken for months — or remotely start your day at the office. On the way in, use slow traffic and the time differences to call interstate. On the way home, receive calls from the other states who are using their time differences. That means you're working a 12-hour day yet are only in the office for eight — that has to be a bonus.

5. Getting dressed. Running late? Pyjamas make very comfy driving suits. So get changed in the privacy of your car. If someone gawks, who cares? You'll probably never see them again and anyway, unless they're in a truck there's not much to see. Saves heaps of time and at 7.45am on a workday, you're probably not going far anyway.