There are two different types of car gadgets: practical, handy, LEGAL ones that you can buy or have installed, and cool ones. If you've ever seen an action movie you know what I'm talking about.
We all have our little wish fullfillment fantasies of how cool it would be to have a James Bond car, bristling with cool doodads, but the harsh reality is, like owning a flying car or being friends with a Transformer, there would be some pretty big problems.
When it comes to the real world most of the coolest movie car gadgets are either impossible, infeasible or something you'd need a license for. And let's face it, chances are on that license test, most of us would fail hardcore.
So let's say that these gadgets are real and able to be installed on your car. Here are some of the most awesome ones nobody would EVER trust you with.
Ejector Seat
Anyone who's ever seen a Bond movie has probably, at some point, fantasised about having an ejector seat in their car.
I'm no psychologist, but I imagine it has something to do with a combination of our primal need to press every button we ever see and a deep-seated desire to escape all our problems by launching them into the sky.
But let's be honest here, do you really think you could be trusted with an ejector seat? You'd start off with good intentions, like how after you do a big house clean and tell yourself this time you're DEFINITELY going to keep it clean, then months later you find yourself swimming in a blend of old pizza boxes, dust bunnies and shame. Same rules apply.
Remember the last time you were designated driver and your drunken friends kept messing with the radio and demanding you go to McDonalds so they could try and do their impression of Cookie Monster at the order box because "Nah man, I saw a guy do it on YouTube, it's gonna be heckin' hilarious!"
Now picture that situation but with a big red button just begging you to press it and shoot that inconsiderate bag beer farts onto the curb where they belong. Is that really something you'd be able to resist doing?
Of course there are other problems with ejector seats, like how using one would literally fill your car with fire. Not to mention you run the risk of re-enacting that scene in Top Gun where Goose dies. And nobody wants that.
Oil Slick
As a kid, movies and racing games really convinced me that oil slicks on the road were going to be a way bigger problem than they ended up being. Sort of like serial killers in the back seat and insanely explosive fuel tanks.
You know the oil slick scene, the good guy is being chased by the bad guys, he presses the secret button and the back of his car starts spewing crude over the road, the bad guys swerve and crash, their pained screams of horror drowned out by a sweet quip from our hero, something like 'Looks like we gave them the slip. Also I'm sure that canyon they drove into had a soft bottom. They're totally fine.'
I've seen this scene so many times sometimes I forget that if your car is spraying oil onto the road it's a BAD thing.
But let's say that you can have an oil slick function in your car, like the ejector seat, are you going to use it responsibly? And do you trust other drivers to use it responsibly?
Sure it'd be fun to trip up the guy that's aggressively tailgating you, unfortunately for you your witty quip about how 'slick' your evasive manoeuvre was wouldn't drown out the sound of a judge sentencing you for causing a massive pile up after you turned a three lane freeway into an automotive slip'n'slide. I can't see any sane jury letting that one slide and honestly, you'd be on a pretty slippery slope after that...
See what I did there?
Hidden minibar
Ok, so this one probably isn't that bad, right? I mean, so long as you're not drinking and driving you're not actively endangering anyone else on the road, and considering the first two entries on this list that seems like a pretty good start.
Thing is, the hidden minibar rarely stays hidden, because what's the point of having a damn minibar built into your car if you're not going to show it off to every person that gets into your car ever. Because of that you'd spend all of your food and rent money on replacing the Bollinger in your car-bar.
On top of that, picture yourself getting into an accident and then needing to explain to a police officer that the broken glass and alcohol stench emanating from the cabin is in no-way related to your minor fender-bender.
The hidden minibar sounds like a cool little gadget that will always turn your car into a party, and it would, if you were James Bond. But you're not, and because real life doesn't work the same way as the movies, while you might feel like a suave super-spy popping a hidden bottle of champagne out of your secret stash, in actuality you're just an ordinary person offering someone an alcoholic beverage during your trip to Woolies. And nobody wants to be that person.
Invisibility
An Invisibility function is one of those car gadgets that, even in a movie, doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I mean... cars make noise. And it's still there, so unless you're trying to convince your enemies that their secret base is haunted by a V8 poltergeist there's really not much point.
If used correctly it could make for a pretty neat anti-theft device, but as we've established you can't be trusted with anything.
These are the facts: If you dive it while invisible, someone is going to drive into you. If you park it while invisible, someone is going to run into it.
Keep in mind that this is assuming your car stays spotless at all times. Think about every bug, every scratch, and every bit of worn on grime that's built up onto your car over time. Even with invisibility mode on people would still see you, except instead of a sexy Aston Martin your car would look like a sentient cloud of dirt and dead bugs.
Submarine mode
I'm sure that there was at least one person who saw The Spy Who Loved Me, bought a Lotus Esprit S1 and immediately drove it into a lake, because that's probably what I would have done.
On paper, owning a car that can morph into a submarine sounds like the coolest car feature ever, but there is no way in hell that anyone would trust you with it.
Let's say you want to show it off to your friends. You'd need to find a boat ramp, right? But we all know that you're way too impatient for that, so the likelihood of you trying to drive off a bridge or down the beach is probably pretty high. Now while that's a fun little scare prank for your passenger, not so much for anyone nearby who just saw you launch your car into the ocean and doesn't know you're safely cruising away ready to go and do some doughnuts on the Great Barrier Reef.
Now I'm assuming that most people reading this are car enthusiasts and as such routinely perform minor maintenance work on their car. You know when to check your oil, how to replace your wiper fluid and what all those funky lights next to the how-fast-am-I-going needle mean (These are all technical terms, I know).
But, if you're like me and your car knowledge sits somewhere between 'nothing' and 'What's this weird third pedal for?' then there are going to be some things that get neglected, or at least get your parents called so they can tell you how to fix it.
Now take that situation and replace: 'topping up the wiper fluid' with 'topping up the oxygen'. Sure a submarine car is cool and all, but unless you know a combined car and submarine mechanic, chances are nobody is going to want to take a little cruise with you to the bottom of Sydney Harbour, no matter how much secret Bollinger you promise them.
What movie gadget would you love to have in your car? Tell us what you think in the comments below.
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