I’m in love with my car, Freddie Mercury sang with Queen. And it seems we all are, judging by the number of songs about our four-wheeled best friends.
We’re not talking about the distasteful obsession of that very strange man in London who literally makes love to cars - yes, he does exactly what you’re thinking and if you’re reading this over breakfast, we apologise for conjuring that image.
But British mating customs aside, it still seems cars are second only to humans as objects of musical affection. That’s understandable, given that the auto industry spends billions of dollars on designing continuing waves of product intended to keep resparking our desire.
Otherwise we’d all be driving around in our grandma’s Ford Cortina, and the industry would fold until all the Cortinas needed replacing.
Instead, year after year, decade after decade, we’re tempted with one after another gorgeous body, luxuriously clothed in finest leather and accessorised with sparkling metal. A veritable parade of autoerotica ... or at the very least, autoromantica.
So it’s hardly surprising that some of the most popular car songs are dedicated to aspirational vehicles. Among the best known is Janis Joplin’s husky plea for the Lord to give her a Mercedes Benz “my friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends” -- closely followed by Wilson Pickett’s classic Mustang Sally.
Mind you, they’re the best known songs unless you have toddlers. A poll around the office revealed that if you’re in that group, top of your charts is the Wiggles with Big Red Car - "toot, toot, riding in the big red car, ride the whole day long’’. Hardly evocative lyrics, and it doesn’t rhyme. But you can dance to it. Apparently. For the rest of us, there are countless serenades to expensive and iconic machinery.
The Who gave the Brit car industry a plug which sadly failed to save it with Jaguar in 1967, singing "every lovely spot near or far, you can reach them too in your car, or you might be there now if you own a Jaguar’’. And Germany’s Volkswagen must have been tickled to hear Ima Robot’s Black Jettas. Not that the automotive giants needs any help from musical plugs, of course.
But the rest of the songbook is largely American. Beach Boys’ 409. And Little Deuce Coupe. And, for that matter, Little Honda, Cherry Coupe, Custom Machine, This Car of Mine and Fun, Fun, Fun till her daddy takes her T Bird away … hmmm, bit of an obsession there.
Alan Jackson doing Mercury Blues, Marc Cohn’s Silver Thunderbird. And scores of others. Most of them are serenades, but some of the love is a bit twisted, like Dead Milkmen’s Bitchin Camero … "doughnuts on your lawn’’ and some heartfelt stuff about running over the neighbours.
The Cadillac gets quite a bit of attention, with numbers like Pink Cadillac, Gold Cadillac, It’s My Cadillac, Cadillac Ranch and Ray’s Dad’s Cadillac. And rap music sings -- if you can call it singing -- the praises of the ostentatious brands that look best accessorised with 28" chrome wheels, black glass and handgun slots in the glove box. Bentleys, Rollers, Hummers and the like.
But the vehicle that gets the most musical attention isn’t exotic, or expensive, or even remotely sporty. It’s that humble former family taxi, Nanna’s fave ...the Ford Cortina.
The mass market midsizer has been the musical muse for Elton John "I was made in England, like a blue Cortina’’, The Clash "Ford Cortina just won’t run without fuel’’, The Jam "Cortinas fur trimmed dashboards’’, Ian Dury and the Blockheads "had a love affair with Nina in the back of my Cortina’’, the Subhumans, the Saw Doctors, the Lambrettas, the Tom Robinson Band, the list goes on ....
Even British poet laureate John Bjeteman was inspired: "I am a young executive. No cuffs than mine are cleaner. I have a slimline briefcase and I use the firm’s Cortina’’. Perhaps it’s the ubiquitousness, the ordinariness, the sheer white sliced breadness of the Cortina, which sold more than a million globally over its 20 year lifespan.
But if it were these qualities that inspire the musicians, surely we’d have an entire songbook dedicated to the Toyota Corolla. After all, it’s now the world’s best selling car. Ever. And it seems people like it enough to buy it by the millions, but nobody cares for the poor thing enough to write it a love song.
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