Sweet! A week in that awesome Thailand resort coming up!
Formula One has a specialised PR language. You'll need this translator.
With the Formula One season just hours from kicking… erm, driving off in Melbourne, it’s time to examine what the various teams think about their respective chances.
But with PR talk being a special language -- and F1 PR talk being an obscured dialect of that language, you'll need this translator. Luckily, like learning many languages, once you understand some of these key phrases, you'll be well-prepared to translate most of the excuses, dodges and outright bull you'll hear this weekend.
"We're still just trying to understand how the tyres work with our aero package."
Translation: Our car's a bit rubbish.
"We've got no real expectations this weekend."
Translation: Actually, our car is really quite rubbish.
"We're not worried by our pace in testing."
Translation: By the Living Lord Harry, it's going to be a long season; our car is just so utterly rubbish.
“We believe Brand X no longer needs the reach and exposure level from the F1 environment.”
Translation: Head office just called, and the Feds are curious about that $100 million hole in the investor dividend budget.
"Team says its driver line-up is the best in F1."
Translation: Neither driver’s father has missed a single instalment yet, so we can buy more titanium iPad covers.
"Team boss is cautious ahead of Melbourne."
Translation: Team boss has resume ready to email out to WRC teams if no points are scored on Sunday.
"Drivers assured that team have ironed out mechanical problems."
Translation: Driver’s shirts will be immaculately pressed for class photo on Sunday morning.
"Melbourne podium sufficient for team."
Translation: it’s a win or the dole queue, lads.
"New driver out to silence doubters."
Translation: My dad can buy and sell your arse ten times over, so shut your face.
"The team can win again."
Translation: Team hasn’t got a marmoset’s chance in Hades of getting within sight of the top ten. Ever, ever again.
"Melbourne race among the best."
Translation: Kuala Lumpur race, then Shanghai race, then Sakhir race, then Catalunya race among best.
"Thanks to my sponsors and my fans."
Translation: Sweet! A week in that awesome Thailand resort coming up!
Have you got some translations that will help budding F1 fans to understand the sport? Add them below.
Tim Robson is the editor-in-chief of Motoring at NRMA Motoring & Services, and has read far too many press releases about motor sport. Find him on Twitter: @tdrobson