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  Lights on the dash are more than "annoying".

What is your car really saying to you?

Cars have wrongly been interpreted as inanimate objects. But that's because a lot of people can't hear what the car is saying. Listen and look closely and be aware that the car could be having a hissy fit and telling you that things are going to get very expensive or you may be stranded for some time by the side of the road. Here's some things your car may be saying:

1. Lights on the dash: These are more than "annoying", as one motorist once told me. They mean something has gone horribly wrong or is about to. Red lights are bad - water or oil temperature or pressure. Blue lights are sort of good - you have your high beam headlights on. 

2. A dull thud, thud: You have a puncture. This could be as simple as an inconvenience or become your worst nightmare. Apparently, according to most carmakers, you will never have a puncture so they fit either a temporary, motorcycle-size tyre; or a compressor kit with aerosol goo; or nothing at all. Time to join the auto club. 

3. Clunk clunk when turning the car slowly. These are dollar bills manifesting themselves as sound. The noise is more than likely your car's constant-velocity (CV) joints and they can be $50-$100 each. You have four of these joints if you have a front-wheel drive car, eight if you have an all-wheel drive. And yes, you must get them replaced. 

4. White smoke behind the car. Hopefully, it's not coming from your car. If it is it could be something as simple as residual engine oil spilling onto the hot exhaust - smelly and annoying - or the first stages of the total meltdown of your engine (really expensive and time consuming) or if you have a turbocharger, the oil seals have died and you're either up for a complete pull-down or a new turbo (also expensive). 

5. Click, click when you turn the ignition. You have no battery power. If you have a manual car and you live on a hill, it can be push started. If you have an automatic, reach for the Yellow Pages and call an auto electrician or auto club. If you have a second car, get to a battery retailer and buy a new one.

6. Deathly silence as brake pedal extends to the floor. You have no brakes or brake fluid. This is really serious and clearly you will not be driving this car until it's fixed. 

7. The ignition's off but the engine is still going. The erratic thunk, thunk as the petrol engine still runs without the ignition key is loosely called "dieseling" or "two-stroking" and happens when the hot engine ignites any fuel it can find without needing a spark from the ignition system. It means you car is very badly tuned, or overly hot, or worse. Instant repair needed. 

8. Noisy engine and automatic gearbox won't change up. This isn't a good sign. It means the auto is losing hydraulic fluid pressure or the bands that hold the gears are slipping. This can be a tear-down or a replacement with a reconditioned box and, as you'd guess, won't come cheap. 

9. Grinding noise when changing gear (manual transmission): The pedal on the left is the clutch. Depress it before moving the gear shifter. If there's still a noise, your clutch has gone south. That could mean the hydraulic fluid for the clutch slave cylinder (actuator) has leaked away. Immediate attention required. 

10. No noise as car suddenly stops (in the most inconvenient place). When did you last put fuel in the tank? Cars generally don't just stop - they'll retire gracefully with a slow slide to the road kerb - unless there's a big noise and usually some smoke or steam. Running out of fuel is just a pain. Big noise and smoke is catastrophic.